Well, what better way to start my first blog, and rise above my writer’s block than by keeping the default Title on my WordPress free post page. I have to apologise and explain. You see, my writers block is coming from different directions.
One, I am an introvert, somewhat fearful of digital technology. I’m soooo out of my comfort zone writing on the internet, but I am taking the advice of all those life coaches and motivational speakers who advise doing just that. So, here I am . . .
Secondly, there is so much I want to say and so many mothers I want to help in any way I can, that my fingers want to go in different directions on my keyboard to give everything I’ve got right here, right now. There is so much I know now, that I wished I knew before I did the bolt from my (self proclaimed) psychopathic husband. I wish I knew what I know now, when I was having the very first twinkling of needing to split, before I thought open communication in a marriage would conquer all. It can be the complete opposite. Open communication can kill you or come very close.
There is so much help out there if you know where to find it, and it can save your life and/or your children’s life.
Thirdly, I want to share my personal story to help other women see what direction they are heading in, to warn mothers to safeguard themselves for their sake and children’s sake, to help women see past their ‘now’ and have the knowledge and confidence to become self sufficient, collecting a strong support network to help them through any new directions in their life, how to be a better self, mother, provider, adviser. But to do that I will have to consciously face my nightmares of the past, and the slow but sure progression to being me again.
These things hinder my writing. In between the anxiety of coming out of my comfort zone, the eagerness to help mothers set up a safe exit strategy, as well as the desire to aid mothers getting back into the workforce creates a lot of conflicting emotions in my PTSD recovering mind. But they say write about what you know and what you are passionate about. Well, I’m passionate about showing mothers that they can be better off financially and obviously emotionally and physically by becoming the sole provider for their children.
It may sound weird, doesn’t it? Better off, financially? This is something that doesn’t become obvious until you leave that relationship. This is because, men that are abusive, generally are not abusive in just one way, and usually one of the hidden abuses is financial. There are some personality disorders, like narcissistic and psychopathic personalities, who hide their money whilst using up all of yours – they may do this by stealing from you or forcing you to buy things that you don’t want, take you out for dinner and ‘forget’ to bring their wallet. They may even cost you your bond when they smash out the home you live in.
These are just some examples of what you no longer have to suffer through, financially. You are the queen of your financial domain, and even though you may have a lower overall income for your family, with your sass and desire to provide, you will become more conscious of your spending and have your money go just as far, if not further. No more broken windows, doors, cars, hearts, promises.
I used to say, if we communicate openly and honestly we can conquer the world, but now I realise that you need to ensure you can trust the people you communicate with not to use that against you in any way, shape or form. Especially when you are considering leaving an abusive relationship. The more warning you give them, the more opportunity you give them to plan your demise. Yes, that sounds morbid, but more than one woman a week is murdered in domestic incidents.
More than half the men in prison are there for violence against women. One a visit to a maximum security prison, there is one man pointed out to me, who has killed 6 of his past wives. He only got caught on the last one. Why he did it? In his words, they either became boring or irritating. That’s it. Rationale kicks in at this stage and you think, but why didn’t he just leave his wife? But then you have to remember that not all men are created equal, some are brain warped and you think that these sorts of people are tellingly evil. Well, so sorry to tell you, but he must have been charming if he managed to marry six times and evade arrest for so long. And this is not a novel situation. The most charming people can also be the most dangerous.
So, you know, it’s not my personal story that matters, it’s our collective story that matters. I would love to hear from readers either via email or comments below, on how their lives have changed after leaving abusive relationships, what they did to get there, how they are taking care of themselves so that they can take care of their children, what you do to stretch your dollar and what support systems are in your neighbourhood. It is not impossible to imagine that your neighbour could be reading this, but is super lost and overwhelmed by this hugely radical moment in their lives. What strengths do you have now that you didn’t realise you had before? Or what strengths did you remember you have that helped you gathered your courage to leave. What advice would you give someone who was in a similar position as you were?
Thanks, WordPress, for helping me come up with my first blog title. And thanks, to readers (anyone out there . . . hello . . . ?!) for reading my first blog. Please do come back as you and I can help someone going through domestic violence break free and find support from their sisters around the corner and around the world.
Love, peace and happiness,
PS: Yes, you have guessed right. Jane Doe is not my real name, but it is the name of every untold, unidentified victim of abuse, whose story needs to be told, and their freedom needs to be gained.
PSS: Oh I guess I should mention the reasoning behind my blog name – The Ratical Life. Coming next time.